My friend got a call today while we were out shopping that his grandfather had passed away.
I’m glad I was with him, because more than anyone else here, I understand. I’ve gotten the dreaded “your loved one is dead” phone call twice now. Both times in Japan. Both times away from my family. Both times alone. Thankfully I could comfort him while we waited for his boyfriend to arrive and take him home. I watched them hold each other, lost in an tangle of arms and hearts, and it was truly beautiful.
But it opened up a bunch of old wounds in my own psyche. The one year anniversary of my father’s death is just around the corner, and I still haven’t let myself grieve properly. Over the past month I have been feeling it all start to boil over. I don’t really know what to do as I have always been the “rock,” and here I find myself, with no rock of my own.
I have a hard time verbalizing all of the things I am feeling now, but the most unexpected thing is a strong urge to find someone to spend my life with. Not that I want to get married, have kids, and settle down anytime soon. I just want to find a companion. Someone who will be my rock (and I his) until the day one of us passes away (which will be okay because the family we leave behind will have each other for comfort.)
I’m obviously not going to go out and start dating/marry the first guy who comes around. I probably won’t even start dating for awhile. But it’s on my mind now, and it never really was before. I kind of gave up on the idea of starting a relationship while I was in Japan, but I suddenly don’t feel okay with waiting out the next few years alone, especially in my current state. Of guys who meet my high standards, however, few exist (they -do- exist, circumstances are just never in my favor.)
Anyway, my father always wanted me to write more. So I feel like a good way for me to usher in this process of dealing with grief is to write it out. Thanks for listening, Tumblr.
** That all being said, I want a guy who accepts me for the complex being that I am (cause all humans come with our own unique set of baggage) and doesn’t either:
A) Run away when I need support
B) Fetishize me as his manic pixie dream girl, who is sad and broken, that they get to fix.
Because that’s my current track record, and it sucks.